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FredCat's Rant about Mario Kart 8

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Sure, I am fine with Kart Customization. I am also fine with new set of characters, except Koopalings and DLC garbage. I am fine with unique details and 1440 degree details. But I am not fine with A.I.’s behavior, with Item Boxes’ randomize and with DLC stuffs. Why are you been the only target they, A.I., focus on? This didn’t happened in the pervious “Mario Kart” games! Why are Koopalings doing in this garbage? I would rather more various and unique characters - those Koopalings are bad guys and had no knowledge of how to driving the Karts, let alone learn from their foster father… Oh c’mon!

I meant… Look at how A.I. acting… Why they target you instead of being common runts that try to go for first? Even if you’re in 8th or behind place, they still throw a shell on you for apparently no reasons! This ain’t “Super Smash Bros.” anymore - it’s frigging KART! You’re going for first, not kick the bucket on single guy - that’s just fucking bully! Think fairly, you stupid bastards. I understand that the rival is closer to you than rest of other racers, that is fine because it’s Rival Rules. But ten other racers throw items on you? NOT MAKING SENSE! Rivals should throw their items on THEIR rivals they HATED, NOT YOU! I accept that Waluigi or some stalker following Daisy (who I played for mostly of the time), but not accept them shit all over my kart.

So now with the Item Randomize. Why do I kept get motherfucking COINS each time I jacked up the Item Box? I already have 10 coins by the time it stop spinning. Who made this decide must be fired and buried 6 feet deeply, ALIVE. I preferred old version of Item Box’s randomize - which I can get Star when I am in 9th place, not Green Shell or Single Banana. And if I am in 12th place, then I should get Giant Bullet instead of Lightning. But no, I picked up Tri-Banana instead at that place! Horrible set-up, bub. Yeah, sure I pick up Coins again while I am 11th place. But A.I.? He got Golden Mushroom, at least 5 times as many as I can pick up a regular MUSHROOM! Fuck you, Nintendo, fuck it! I am Mario’s big fan and I don’t think this game is suitable to hold the water anymore.

So those seven brats that added in the place of Bowser Jr., they must leaving this serves and return to their former glory - being asshurt obstructions, maybe at least throw spike black ball on you and make the race more difficult… no, we get them as racers instead. That’s one moron decide I had even see. Also, why Link!? That Skyward Sword version have no knowledge of how to flood the speed or know how to steering the fucking wheel. The only travel method he had was a fucking Loftwing. That’s barely matched the car figure. No steering wheel, not to mentioning the rubber wheels nor metal frame for the car. Also that’s flying vehicle! If you want a Link that can driving like those Mario team, put Link from Spirit Train in there instead and have his vehicle being a train, like one in MK7 or MKWii, wherever it was introducing/displaying in. But no, this is MARIO KART EIGHT, not NINTENDO KART game. That title is purposed for Mario team only. Yes, I know about Link being in Soul Calibur II GC version, and Spawn in Xbox version - they were already included in the disc by the time they were released. So were Starwars characters; Yoda, Vader and Starkiller, being introduced in SC4 (both version, DLC only because they were in different versions and they would be more popular…). But Link and Villager in the DLC for this game? Forget it, get rid of those garbage and start anew.

And if I wanted more characters to included in this game; bring back long forgotten characters, like Birdo, King Boo, and even Funky Kong, who they all figured in Mario Kart Wii. How about Diddy Kong? How about Tiny Kong? They were already experiencing on Kart from before - Yes, “Diddy Kong’s Racing” and its remade version; “Diddy Kong’s Racing DS”. But not Tanooki Mario or Cat Peach, those are clones and I am against Clones, since the day of Super Smash Bros. Melee. Sure, nagging on me for think that Donkey Kong has his own universe, but you forgot that Donkey Kong was the one brought Nintendo its Mascot Character - Mario! Even before he got his name; he was “Jumpman” in “Donkey Kong” 80’s Arcade Game, featured as a protagonist who saved Pauline from Donkey Kong, the antagonist of his very game name. Therefore I accepted Donkey Kong as part of Mario universe, but Link? Villager? Those people are not Mario Reps - Link belong to Zelda and Villager, along with that bitch, belong to Animal Crossings. And if you want them included in this game - go read above paragraph - which can creating new game; “Nintendo Kart”. Koopalings and those DLC characters have to go. Or if you want those appearances to stay in; make them an alternate costumes, like to those in “Super Smash Bros.” series - click on certain button to switch their color or clothes, then select it as playable character - I am not waste more slots for those stupid addition characters. Sure, you can have rainbow Yoshi and Warioware version as well as various villains from Donkey Kong’s Barrel Blast games. Just be sure to put them all in same slots as their respective characters.

So if I was one of those developers - I called the team to pull the games back and repairing all mistakes they made, and made sure they don’t do that again in future Mario Kart release. And if they wanted to have Link, Villager, whoever included those DLC to be included the Mario Kart game - nah, time to create new game known as “Nintendo Kart” or “Super Dash Bros.” then they can have permission to put in various Nintendo characters, regardless universes they came from. “Mario & Sonic” games were right thing to do, only have Mario team AND Sonic team included, no more, no less. I am perfectly fine with Metal Mario and Pink Gold Peach because they were in Metal Class, and they needed a female version, hence Pink Gold Peach’s existence. And last thing; Baby versions… Who had that idea must get his abdomen eviscerate, ALIVE. Baby Mario, Baby Luigi, Baby Princesses, and Baby Bowser (if he’s included the DLC) must expelled from the game because they have no knowledge of how to driving and their bodies are too small to reach the fucking pedals. And you’re doing the baby abusing! That hurt babies’ future by throw bombs on their face, ram them off the track with Shine-fucking-Star, and making them cry after smack their ass with SHELLS! “Baby Class” have to go, anyone else in Lightweight can stay because of their experience, also put Toadette back in when you have a chance, Nintendo.

Now here’s final paragraph; settle of score - 1 out of 10. Out of 10, I deleted 3 because of A.I.’s bastardize behaviors that they raped the hell out of you instead of commonly slap each other’s head. This game lost 1 score because of Item Box being bastard to YOU while kindly and generous to A.I., by give you Coins 80% of the times, give you 1 banana, give you 1 Green Shell while give A.I. a Star, Golden Mushroom, and Bullet regardless your positions. Sickly! I subtracted 1 more because of Clones stuffs - 7 kids that barely do their jobs! Fuck you. The DLC for this game that coming up wasted two scores because Link and Villager, along with his bitch, don’t belong to Mario Universe, hence the title of game; “MARIO Kart 8”, it said aloud, “MARIO!” “MARIO!”. Another score got a white painted was because of moar clones, I meant why Tanooki or Cat costume? Just put in various characters instead, they are showing the characteristic instead of being a background wall. One score was flushed because of Baby peoples, so our future was to teaching baby how to be teacher before they reached their first birthday or lost their first tooth? How about teaching them how to sex before they learned how to walking? Fuck you, Nintendo! I had losing 1 more score because of class difficult - 50cc and 100cc were too wuss for me to dealing with, as I already cleared those tournament on the first day of release, then 150cc shoved a bomb in my ass and sent me into the sky, as I barely able to 3-starring that class while I already gold’d them all (up to 150cc) as well as 3-starred 50 and 100 class. MK7 and MKWii had no problem put the pressure on me and graded me based on the skills while this game… gave me a lackey for doing the luck moves. Really 60 points was required to gain 3-stars. Moron! The only 1 remain score was because of very details on the design and appearance, also, gravity and “infinite” symbol. That’s only good thing in this horrible game. Congratulation, Nintendo! This game, “Mario Kart 8”, is a cursed version! Where’s your brain when you worked on this game? Yeah right, in your pelvis! Smell ya later, suckers.
It was good at start, but started to falling apart as its update added in. I officially announced that this game "Mario Kart 8" as waste of the game. Enjoy eat the horse's shits, y'all who still played this trash game.
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thatloserguy123's avatar
This is satire right?